Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
