thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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