If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
