Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
