he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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