and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
