His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
