Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
