I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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