the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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