He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
