You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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