i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
