he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
