Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
