How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I need water and some morals
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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