His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize