i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
