Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
