Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
