guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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