Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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