why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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