I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
