Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
