I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
