i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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