shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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