Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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