Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
