They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
