im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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