Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
