My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
