I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
