you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
