Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
