all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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