I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
