He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm like, not good at living.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
