Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
