apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
