apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
