If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
