he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
