Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
