it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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