Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
