i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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