Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
