she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
areolas are like halos for boobs.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
