its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
