She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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