My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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