life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
