white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize