I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Found the puke drawer
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize